If you try and invite a Chinese person to your home or to an event, don't be surprised if they are initially unwilling to commit to it. They will probably be very polite and may give the impression they will come. However, they will almost certainly want to talk with a friend about it. They are unlikely to come by themselves, particularly in the initial stages of a relationship.
Whereas westerners often go to places and do things alone, the Chinese will normally prefer to go to places and do things in groups, or at the very least with a friend. Not understanding this can lead to frustration if you don't know why your Chinese contact cannot seem to just make a decision. In the West, individualism, personal achievement, and initiative are strongly emphasized and encouraged. In China, the opposite is true. There, conformity and group harmonization are prized rather than independence and individual expression.
As you seek to build relationship with the Chinese, don't necessarily expect them to accept your invitations by themselves. Be willing to invite one of their friends too. They will feel far more comfortable if they are part of a familiar group.
The Pleasure of Eating
Have you eaten? is one of the most common phrases in the Chinese language and often used in China as a greeting, instead of "How are you?" If you haven't eaten, you may well be invited to eat, even if you turn up on the doorstep unexpectedly. Here in the West, we call it 'entertaining' or a better word 'hospitality', which tends to take more thought, forward-planning and preparation. For the Chinese however, eating together is the most wonderful part of normal life! But don't panic! If you are doing the inviting, they will really enjoy the cultural experience, especially trying out some traditional dishes like Shepherd's Pie (instead of hamburgers, fries and pizza) as well as your company and friendship. They rarely, sometimes never, eat any Western food except junk food, so something more English will help them see that English people do eat 'real' food! But you won't need to put on a show. In fact, if you are invited to eat with them, you will discover just how relaxed and informal their eating habits are. Simple bowls and chopsticks are all that is required. Unwanted items of food like bones may be put on a communal plate (often on the floor in China!), but more likely on the table somewhere. The colour and taste of the food are more important than a fancy-laid table. And be sure to express your enjoyment - ask them how you say 'delicious' in Chinese; eat lots and tell them how tasty it is - though you might draw the line at the Chinese custom of showing appreciation for the food - burping! MJS
